“Trepidations, Warnings, and Musings” >>>>>>>>> The Lighter Side of Things: Volume 1 (by Steven Forbis)
By Corey Thompson, filed in Guest Features, Steven Forbis on Feb.04, 2009
***(Editor’s Note: Steven Forbis is a Columnist and frequent participant at “The Thirsty Quill.” While Steven typically contributes from a Liberal/Democratic perspective, he enjoys keeping things lighthearted and fun. It must be noted that the opinions expressed in Steven’s articles are his own, and may not necessarily be the views of “The Thirsty Quill.” We appreciate Steven’s contribution, and we look forward to publishing more of his work in the future.)
“Trepidations, Warnings, and Musings”
The Lighter Side Of Things: Volume 1
By: Steven Forbis, Columnist
I am here today to inform you, readers of “The Thirsty Quill,” that the world that you have grown to know and love will be ending shortly. Everywhere you look these days, you can see signs of Earth’s imminent destruction. The natural order of wildlife is revolting against us, the unfathomable depths of space hide dangers unknown to our infinitesimally finite minds, and even the other humans that we cohabitate with plot and scheme for our downfall. Normally, this bleak outlook is usually reserved for the babblings of lesser beings like scientists and politicians. However, I have taken it upon myself to arm you with the ability to fight back against these forces; I am here to arm you with knowledge of the scenarios that may come to fruition.
Scenario #1: Squirrels Kill All Humans
It has come to my attention that, as of late, squirrel attacks have been on the rise. This is particularly disturbing because not only are squirrels normally shy and skittish, but they are much smaller than their human targets. CBS 5 down in San Jose reported that three people inside a school building were attacked by a single squirrel who escaped the scene shortly after “severely biting one of them on the upper arm and drawing blood,” and sending all three to the hospital due to “scratches and bites”. The truly alarming thing about this is that the news team also reported that “the school does not have a high squirrel population in the immediate area.”
Did you read that clearly? A squirrel, being outnumbered and outsized, successfully attacked a human fortification (that is designed for the protection of its inhabitants) with its blinding speed and ‘hit and run’ tactics. This act of guerilla warfare cannot go unpunished.
President Obama needs to begin drafting a letter immediately to the King of the Squirrels, requesting a ceasefire immediately. Opening communications, however, will have consequences that may lead to further diplomatic issues. If we acknowledge the King as a rightful heir to the Squirrel Throne, then not only do we legitimize his government, but we also see his empire as a sovereign nation, instead of a smaller part of the Animal Kingdom.
The solution? Arm all boys ages 10-14 with BB Guns and have them patrol our neighborhoods. Everyone knows that the squirrel’s biggest threat is a group of prepubescent males, armed with a thyroid primed for testosterone absorption, and a “pump action” instrument of death.
References:
CBS 5 News. “3 Hurt In Squirrel Attack At SJ’s Evergreen School.” http://cbs5.com/local/Squirrel.Attack.Evergreen.2.455548.html (accessed February 1, 2009).
***(Editor’s Note: Steven Forbis is a Columnist and frequent participant at “The Thirsty Quill.” While Steven typically contributes from a Liberal/Democratic perspective, he enjoys keeping things lighthearted and fun. It must be noted that the opinions expressed in Steven’s articles are his own, and may not necessarily be the views of “The Thirsty Quill.” We appreciate Steven’s contribution, and we look forward to publishing more of his work in the future.)
February 4th, 2009 on 7:29 pm
Very helpful post Steven. I have been following this story closely since the it broke. I could not find one word about this on MSNBC or CNN. Fortunately I learned to watch FOX News ticker since they saved me from the Africanized Bee outbreak of 2002. Please remain vigilant and keep us informed about this emanate crisis. You are one hell of an American.
February 6th, 2009 on 7:49 pm
Rumors are surfacing late today that Ashley Judd, on a recent plight for the souls of endangered wildlife, has decided to become a spokesperson on behalf of the squirrels. She believes that the squirrels have a right to defend their natural habitat and that the “attack” was provoked by the humans who invaded their homes. She believes that a peaceful resolution to the problem can be reached by simply leveling the school and rebuilding it in a barren wasteland so as not to provoke the natural inhabitants of the area.
DISCLAIMER: This comment is not based on fact, but on the feelings resulting from laughter at the recent article on the squirrels by Steven Forbis. Common side effects from this laughter include nose bleeds, stomach ulcers, diarrhea, painful oozing wounds, or even sudden death. For laughter lasting longer than four hours, please seek immediate medical attention. This comment may not be reproduced or copied without the expressed written consent of Jenny or any of her affiliates.
For further information on Ashley Judd’s fight for all animals, please visit the article posted below.
http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5ikB-F1WquMPpjffzBg7FKCV2yJWgD965C10O0
February 6th, 2009 on 8:01 pm
Ashley Judd is a defender of freedom for all creatures.